Freedom Writer

Love is blind. It came and stay on your heart, on your soul without permission, without asking your perceptions. Suddenly, bringing butterflies to your tummy. Giving you strength, smiles, and happiness. But, suddenly it cames with sadness, not-so-god mood, or something might disturb your day, or many days until its over. Unfortunately, your heart need times to heal the pain. We all know, time is best thing to heal everything.

I've been falling in love. And yeah, I fallin so hard. And I've been broken, and also broken so hard. Maybe I love something hard? No, I think it just kind of...my usual. I'm a thinker. But thinking of feeling, is it irony? 

But now, I've been clear all my heart. I've been close all the doors. No one is open. I close every doors in my heart. I want to focus on me, just me. I think I have many things to do my self. Thinking, learning, traveling, absolutely by my self. I need a time that I can know my self, tell my self, and enjoy being me. I love the way Allah given me as I am. I'm grateful.

Enjoying me as I am is the best thing I ever had, I ever felt. I don't know, why is so pretty-cute-special moment that you can focus with your self, think nothing, just you, and your self. I can declare that now is the best time I've ever had. I feel the freedom. I do love my self, O Allah thank you for this great time.

I have so much time to think about what I like, about people near me, about what I deserve, what I need, what I should do, and what I will do on the future. Yass, I need to think it all. Life is planning, right? And I know Allah is the best planner, so my plan is just to make Allah happy, and then I believe Allah will plans me an awesome life. Simply believe.

In my way to serve Allah the best me, Allah gives me a gift. Allah plans me an awesome way to go to Jannah. He gives me a partner. I wish he will be my awesome partner of life, and also my after life. I need partner to Deen, not only on Dunya. Oh Allah, I give my trust on you, truly. I know You are the one who will never break it. 

The day has come. I found his name, and I still haven't any idea to do with. Can I? May I? Should I? I feel too shy, too worry, too unreal to feel this. Can I stick on him? The strangers who came with smiles offering a future? Is that him? The one I've waiting for a lifetime?

The worries fade away by times. I try to accept him as a gift by Allah, and he might be the reason behind every dua I've made in a lifetime. I try, I truly doing my best to know him. You know, is not so easy to me to accept a new person, yah exactly he is really new for me. He just stranger from I don't know where, come offering me something that makes me surprised. Is not that easy, man. 

After day-by-day, finally I give him my decision. I will try to take this step. I want to know him more and I want to open my self to someone or you can call him a stranger. I consciously, opening my self to him. I let him entering my self, my universe. He can ask me some question and know me more. Oh My Gosh, for me it is really-really a new way. But I think its a good time to start. Let me know you, Mas.

Since I've decided to know him more, I try my best to give him the best of me. No, no, no its not means that I'm covering my self from my bad, I let him know all of me, both of bad and good. I let him now. But, I assumes him as the one who standing besides me, now, ya I know it not halal yet, but I try to respect him as should be. I exacly will never doing something that will makes him angry, sad, or feeling guilty about me. I close all my ways to my ex, no more communications. Whatever the reason is. 

I stop my self for loving my ex photo on social media, or just like or comments on his status. Why? Why I still liking his social media but now I have someone I responsible to keep his feeling? I try to think what I do, like thinking "If I like my ex photo and the he seen the notifications, what will he think? What will he feels about this?" Ya, as you guess, I put him into priorities now.

I do it before when we still try to knowing each other, learning so much thing of each other, before we decided to bring this into a realitionship. Until we declare this in front of our family and ask them for getting married. And ya, finally we are celebrate our new status as engaged partner. We knowing each other more, and maybe try to love each other as should be.

I might be in love before, but it never felt this strong. I don't know why, for me, having him as fience is one of the greatest thing I've ever had. So I bet to keeping him as one, keeping his feelings as the most important to do. And also, loving him as I should be. 

I don't know why sometimes I feel a lil insecurities, no its not like kind of worrying that someone will take him from me. Because I do believe that someone who deserve to be yours will be yours whatever people do. I believe in Allah's power (with my dua also haha). I keep him by my dua. I know I can't hug him now, but I can hug him by Allah with my dua. I can't protect him from anything but I can ask Allah to protect him. Its about our realitionship between me, him, and Allah.

My insecurities is like I don't want him to break my feelings, to break my pure love for him, to make me sad, to make me feel guilty, desperate, and overthinking about him. I'm afraid to think "Is he thinking about my feelings? Is he thinking about me? Is he care with my pure love for him? Why he broking my heart? Why he did it to me?" I had so much question in my little head sometimes.

As I wrote above, I fallin in love so hard, and get broken hardly. I'm delicated and sensitive. Im fragile and hard to keep. So please handle me with care. 

And it getting worse after we were engaged. Man, you are my fience now, isn't it? Its being your responsibilities to keep me on good mood, to love me, to treat me as well. No need to thinking others. Yeah, am I possessive?

And now I found you still doing a not-so-good-things to me after being my fience. Oh Man, its almost more than a month from our engagement day but you still care with someone else? Man, are you kidding me? I couldn't say anything about this. Ya, pretty hurt, as I told you before. And I still can't accept what were you think at time, what were your reason? Ah, Allah I have no idea. Forgive me O Allah.

I think that what I did is what will he do to me. But in fact, it was wrong, sweetheart. You know that Allah will teach you that hoping people just broken you heart. And Allah, the one who won't broke you heart, your trust. You should know that.

And now I'm giving him back to You, Oh Allah. Please protect him. I couldn't do more.

In our journey to married, we found any problem and learn more from it. We know that problems giving us something to learn, and will raise our bonding as one. We broke, we communicate, we learn. We need it because we'll be on a forever. And I hope it will be a great learning for us to keep each other, better. 

NB: sorry for the berantakan grammar. lagi bete  ngga bisa mikir.

Hari ini sudah menuju minggu kedua ramadhan 1438H. Sudah hampir separuh bulan kita jalani. Semoga ibadah yang kita jaga sekarang tidak hanya akan bertahan satu bulan saja, tapi juga continue dengan bulan-bulan sebelumnya. Karena kita tahu, bahwa Allah menyukai amalan hambanya yang terus-menerus walaupun sedikit.

Sore itu aku merasa Jakarta begitu panas. Matahari bersinar terik membakar semuanya. Cahayanya menembus kaca di lantai empat belas, di mushalla tempat aku menunaikan shalat ashar. Maha besar Allah yang menjadikan cahaya matahari begitu bersemangat hari ini, hingga tembus menyentuh dahiku sampai hangat. Alhamdulillah, nikmat matahari.

Sore itu aku pulang, dengan harapan ingin berbuka setelah sampai rumah. Dengan rencana untuk tidak mau lagi berbuka puasa di kantor. Mungkin makanan yang di santap sama, tapi rasa nikmat berbukanya berbeda. Apalagi tarawih di kantor tidak sama rasanya dengan di masjid rumah, sangat berbeda.

Akhirnya kuputuskan pulang tepat waktu, sebelum matahari semakin condong ke barat. Dengan bergegas aku rapikan semua peralatan kerjaku kemudian menyiapkan tas. "Mas, duluan yah!", izin sebelum meninggalkan beberapa teman-teman yang masih betah berada di kantor.

Perjalanan pulang ke halte memakan waktu sekitar lima belas menit. Aku selalu senang saat berjalan di trotoar sore hari. Dengan cahaya matahari yang menembus daun-daun yang tidak seberapa ada di sepanjang jalanan Letjend S. Parman Jakarta. Kendaraan sore ini sudah cukup padat, mereka semua mau apa sih? Berebut jalanan setiap hari.

Alhamdulillah transjakarta yang kutunggu datang, dan alhamdulillah kosong. Maha Suci Allah, terima kasih telah memberikan aku kursi sampai pulang. Jalanan Jakarta selalu macet, apalagi jika sudah mendekati waktu berbuka. Buka di rumah hari ini sepertinya belum berhasil. Kota ini masih memaksaku berbuka di atas kendaraan. Untungnya, air sudah disiapkan di dalam tas. Sekedar untuk membasahi tenggorokan karena puasa.

Tepat setelah membasahi tenggorokan, bus telah sampai di halte tujuan, aku turun. Saat turun halte badan ini sudah terasa lemas, capek. Ingin rasanya pulang dijemput, buka puasa di rumah, lelah ada teman bersandar, dan segala keluh kesah yang menjadikan aku mengeluh. Kemudian semua berubah saat jam berbuka aku melihat begitu banyak driver ojek online berhenti di pinggir jalan, duduk, berbuka puasa dengan air seadanya, dengan makanan senemunya.

"Oh Allah..."

Begitu kufur aku selama ini ya Rabb. Aku sangat iri dengan driver-driver itu. Dengan petugas kuli bangunan di depan halte pancoran barat itu. Mereka bekerja menggunakan fisik, puasa, dan tidak mengeluh. Kenapa aku ini kerja di dalam ruangan ber-ac, tidak naik tangga, semua ada lift, tidak panas sama sekali, tapi masih saja sering mengeluh lelah, apalagi menjadikan puasa sebagai alasan untuk tidak produktif. Subhanallah...

Seketika aku malu ya Allah...

Malu...

Ya Allah, berkahilah semua orang yang puasa di dunia ini. Berkahilah orang-orang yang berbuka puasa di jalanan, yang masih jauh dari keluarga, yang tidak bisa berbuka puasa dengan keluarga, terlebih lagi bagi ia yang bekerja fisik dan masih berpuasa. Ya Allah mereka berpuasa untuk Engkau, untuk itu berkahilah mereka ya Rabb..

Terima kasih atas teguran-teguranmu yang indah ini. Yang menjadikan aku mengerti. Yang memaksa aku untuk berpikir lebih jauh lagi, lebih luas lagi. Alhamdulillah...


Yaa Rabbi walhamdulillahi kama yambaghii lijalaali wajhika wa'adzimi sultonik.